Okay, being the eldest son of the eldest of the eldest, there are things that has been put on my shoulders that I had to carry. Let me clarify, I am the oldest son, of my grandparents son, and my late grandfather is the oldest son of yet, my grandfather’s father is also the oldest. So, what then? If you are living in a culture that is so diverse, as you all know Philippines has been colonized by Spain for 300 years, then Japan, and then Americans (I do not want to tackle history but I do not know if I am making any sense really). As what I am saying, being in a culture that is so diverse yet there is this tradition wherein if you are the eldest, there are so many expectations (I did not meet any).
Where did everything start?
I came in a family wherein some are politicians, and most are part of the Arm Forces of the Philippines and some are part of the Philippine National Police so you can imagine now that my childhood were lived under strict governance of military/police/politicians regimens where do’s and don’ts are being imposed and you do not have the right to ask why. I was asked to join the military but I left them as it never came to my mind that I will be one as my dream profession until now is to become a Psychologist.
As a child, there were so many things that were pressed on me. Things that if not done, I should be prepared to be hanged on a tree, to be hit with a stick, belt buckle, or sometimes they will punch or kick me straight to the face. The worst is being hit with a pair of leather shoes on my face. The twist was, I must not cry as if I will, I will be hit more and harder. During those days, I promised that if being in authority gives you right to hurt people physically if they will not be able to do what you wanted to be done, then, I will not be part of the military nor hold any title that will give authority.
I had great fascination with arts and sciences and had always been amazed by the things that I read. But the more I become fascinated with arts and sciences, the angrier they were. The only one who was proud of me joining or winning arts competitions was my late grandfather. He would always let me sit on his lap while me showing what I have painted and why I have painted such.
The Rise of the Tiger
As someone who was into arts and sciences as a child, I was a victim of bullying and it has always been like that until college days wherein I led people into going against things that are not really needed by the school as I believe that we have to focus more on the quality of education not in using fancy uniforms just to show off. I earned respect by doing so that they I was constantly being asked to join the student council which I decided not to as I made a promise when I was a child that I will not hold any title that will give me authority and I realized that I can earn respect.
The Effects of “Macho” Culture on Me
I was a college student when I first had my first kiss, not with a girl, but with a guy. I was so scared that I had tremors and questions were like “what if my uncles will find out?” “What if my family will not accept me?” Due to my denial of my real nature, I agreed to join the military thinking that what was happened was just because of mere curiosity but when the time came that I had to join the Armed Forces of the Philippines, I ran away. I did not visit them, nor even started communication. I went into hiding as I know I am such a failure to them that I will not be accepted. I could tell people then that I never had a happy childhood.
What I am now?
I am a call centre agent working in one of the call center company here in Mandaluyong City and staying at the National Capital Region’s biggest city, Quezon City. A health and fitness enthusiast, into Mixed Martial Arts, and this coming October, I will have my first fight ever. I hope then, that at some point my family will be able to accept who I am, that I will never be what they wanted me to be. I do not know if how many children out there who are currently having the miseries that I had but I can say that life is not about Gender, Religion, or Sexual Orientation. It is about how you apply the word “humanity” as what the Dalai Lama said:
AND AS FOR ME, it is about HOW WE